I am a California girl, born and raised. I never realized just what a weather wimp that makes me until this week. The highs have been in the 40s. 40 is not a high temperature! Forget about the night temps. Those are ridiculous. We actually had snow here. That happens maybe once a decade or so.

I realized this morning that I would never make it in a state with colder weather (there goes my husband's plan to move us to Kentucky or Tennessee). I possess not one item of clothing appropriate for anything below around 60 degrees. The best I could come up with today was a pair of jeans, a cable-knit sweater with a cami underneath, ankle boots, and a coat, hat, scarf, and gloves.

Our doggie would not survive in a state with colder weather either. Because of his unfortunate tendency to piddle in the house, he spends his time outside when we aren't home. We have been blocking him in the kitchen this week, but he doesn't seem to like that, either. I tried to explain to him that it was better than the alternative, but he just looked pathetic.

I see two bright sides to this crazy-cold weather: 1) I can run the heater without feeling guilty and 2) 60 degrees will feel nice and toasty!

Now, I know those of you in other parts of the country are rolling your eyes at my pampered self. That's okay. I freely admit my wimpiness. I embrace it. I am also embracing hot beverages - time to make some hot cocoa!

I am not a risk-taker. I am coming to the unsettling conclusion that perhaps I should remedy that. I spend much of my time and energy focused on protecting myself, on keeping my world neat, tidy, and predictable. This is one reason God gave me the husband He did – Chris thrives on unpredictability. When life is calm, it makes him nervous. I relish calm. I adore predictability. It makes me feel safe. It gives me the illusion of control. Nothing ventured, nothing gained – but no pain, either.

“Predictability can become a god. You may be living your life more toward making it predictable than toward finding what God would have you to do. There may be a new life out there waiting for you if you are willing to take a risk.” – Stephen Arterburn, Healing is a Choice

I have been like this all my life. The reasons don’t matter much. What seems to matter is that I feel an uncomfortable tug in my soul these days to open up and risk. It doesn’t have to be anything huge, just…learn to embrace those things that come along that mess up my plans. Realize that an impromptu date with my husband may interrupt my plans to organize the bookshelves, but that having fun with my spouse is so much more rewarding than organized books. Wow, that makes me sound…stuffy. I am concluding that I am. Stuffy. I love to have fun with my husband and friends, but I always feel guilty about it. I know there is a never-ending list of things to do, and I labor under the delusion that if I just work hard enough, I will get those things done, and my home and life will then be perfectly under control. Amazing how ridiculous that looks written out, and yet that is how I have been living my life. Even though I know that taking risks and letting go is okay, even good, I’m terrified. I keep thinking, “Yeah, look what happened that time you took a risk.” Yes, one of the risks I took landed me in an abusive relationship, but that was not punishment for taking a risk. It happened because man is sinful and we live in a fallen world. I have stepped out of my comfort zone on many other occasions and been richly rewarded. Life is inherently risky, and that scares me.

“If you are living in fear, you are not living as God intended; He wants you free from fear. He wants to help you move from fear to fearless, willing to take risks with your life so you can feel what life can become. His love is so powerful that if you work through whatever keeps you from experiencing it, you can feel the safety you have been longing for and trying to create in your attempts to avoid risk.” – Stephen Arterburn, Healing is a Choice

After everything I have been through, I long for safety and security. I long for peace and calm. I think that if I try hard enough, I can make that happen. If I get the house perfectly clean and organized. If I get my schedule balanced and in control. If I control my weight properly through a strict diet and exercise program. If I can control these things, I can gain the peace and security I have never experienced. How very arrogant of me. How very uncomfortable to put these things into words. Amazingly enough, it was almost easier working through the rape and abuse issues than it is to work through these deep-rooted fears and coping mechanisms. The rape and abuse were one brief, though extremely dark, period of my life. The rest of this is so deeply ingrained…I don’t know any other way to be. I wish I did. I wish I could just throw caution to the wind and RELAX. I don’t know how. And I am so very afraid.

“You cannot lead a healed life in anxiety. It will rob you of the strength you need today. It will steal from you the tomorrow you were born to enjoy.” – Stephen Arterburn, Healing is a Choice

From a conversation with my mother-in-law:

She: "I apologize in advance for the Christmas ornament I got Chris."

Me: "Okay?..."

She: "It moos."

Me: "It moos?"

She: "Yes, it moos. K wanted to keep it." (K is Chris's dad)

Me: "Well, okay. I'm sure Chris will love it." *thinking: Why?  WHY????*

She: "I'll also apologize in advance for the drum set we may get your future children."

Me: "If you do that, we may have to disown you." *said only half in jest*

She and my little sister-in-law went Christmas shopping for our menagerie. Little R wanted to buy Charlie some doggie clothes, but her mom said to leave that to Chris and me. Which reminds me, I need to buy stocking stuffers for our little ones....yes, we have stockings for our pets. It's fun - especially giving Chloe her Christmas catnip treat and watching her get a little kitty high. Oy. I may need professional help.